Are you CONFRONTABLE

If you need and want feedback, people need to feel safe, knowing that you will not 'shoot the messenger'. This was the hard lesson I learned over 20 years ago. I don't know how much my metamorphosis contributed to the success of our organization, but my guess is that it was significant. At the time, I needed help strategizing the organization's survival plans. We were under attack by a competitor and for months as the CEO I had tried to motivate other Board members to actively participate in the debate. It was a crazy-making period for me as I failed time and time again. That is until Katherine, my VP, gave me the hard facts. "If you really need and want us to participate, give us some space. Stop jumping on us when we don't understand where you're going on a subject, or when our views differ from yours."

CHANGE YOUR RELATIONAL REALITY:

If you want to change the dynamics of a relationship, if you feel like there is much that you need to know and aren't hearing, follow these steps:

Create Safety. Ensure that others see you as 'safe' and open to feedback or input, including criticism. Most importantly, don't take things personally and react defensively.

Stop look and listen. Stop and step back from the brink. Look to really see what’s going on for and with the other person. Then pay attention passively and actively with all your senses, including intuitive ones.

Shift from judgement to curiosity. If you’re not clear about the Whys and Wherefores, take a time-out for de-escalation and reflection. Then, at an agreed-upon time just right to listen and discuss, explore what’s going on between you, analytically.

Take responsibility. If you sense or find out that something you said or did triggered the other, apologize. Respond with something like: “I sense that something I’ve said bothers you and I want you to know that I’m sorry. I don’t mean anything ‘bad’ and want to solve the problem so we can work (or live) together.”

Become curious: Explore to uncover what the other person feels and thinks about the problems or differences between you. Their answers will clarify what’s really important to them and where the resolution is waiting. If you don’t know (and I don’t mean assume), you will be flying blind.

Collaborate on building solutions, and a bridge. Reach a mutual understanding about any 'misunderstandings’, then about potential 'needed' remedies. Focus on the common future at stake, finding out what you have in common aside from the differences. Then move the issues keeping you apart so they become challenges you face together (physically on paper if need be). Brainstorm realistic solutions to your shared problems.

Closure and follow-up: Make sure that you acknowledge and appreciate their participation in the resolution process, building a bridge between you for now into the future. Then set a date and time to continue the process. This will give you both an opportunity to reflect on the agreement, to confirm your satisfaction with the outcomes, and as an opportunity to fine-tune speed-bumps.

"There have always been many schools, many trains of thought.”

“In proper balance, rivalry promotes strength and innovation – so long as we can avoid the acrimony of conflict and mutual destruction." - BRIAN HERBERT

Text Box: Are you 'CONFRONTABLE' ? Are you prepared to listen to a 'challenging' belief? Even if it's about you? If you want honesty, you better be!