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CONFLICT RESOLUTION & RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT... … Appropriate Resolutions™ for home, work, community, and everywhere in between. |
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© 1998-2008 Joseph Ravick and Appropriate Resolutions™ |
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“We have compulsive needs: to win, to control, to be loved. Likewise, we have compulsive fears: inner blockages, fears generated by PAST relationships, fear of conflict. When we experience doubts and suspicions, we are motivated to react while also, ironically, we are constrained. The bonds which hold us back exist in all of us and also often make us blind to our own limits and confusion, and to the beauty and gifts of those who appear different. Under the control of our compulsions, others can quickly become a threat, serving as barriers in the way of the love or the success some people (if not most) need so badly."
The excerpt above, paraphrased from Jean Vanier's 1998 Massey lectures (Becoming Human, Anansi Press, 1998, P.113) says it 'like it is', too often.
JEFF'S STORY For years, when Jeff began to feel too frustrated with what he deserved yet was not getting, he immediately began looking around for alternatives, for a way out. It was the same for jobs, careers, or 'lady-friends' (his euphemism for lovers). As his frustration grew, he repeated his favoured 'exit' strategy, looking for ways to get out on his own terms. Jeff avoided talking about what was going on for him, so predictably, escalation and arguments evolved. This was how Jeff rationalized self-extracting from any relationship, moving on when things became unbearable. Often leaving bitterness, and broken friendships in his wake, he was fortunately able enough to survive all the internal tsunamis and to escape with only collateral damage and with his own power intact. Such abilities only served to support his perspective that his behaviour was working for him. Jeff always acknowledged that he had made some enemies but after all, he "…never purposefully hurt anyone…. " “All he wanted "…was to have fun, avoid hassles, and live life to the fullest." Jeff's natural conflict styles included attacking not only the issues, but also the messengers if he saw he wasn't winning. He never resorted to physical abuse, but as one colleague observed, "Jeff should come with a warning label; when he gets mad his mouth becomes a lethal weapon." What people didn't realize was that Jeff, at the time, was a classic avoider. He didn't know how to 'leave life's playing fields' gracefully so he created situations whereby he could internally blame the other for the dissolution of the relationship.
That's the way it was until Jeff looked into a mirror one day and experienced an ah-ha moment. For the first time in his life he began to see alternatives whereby he could have his needs satisfied while still maintaining friendly, or at least functioning relationships. He also began to accept that these new 'effective ways' required a maturity which he lacked. In the interim, he realized that he had to 'curb' his compulsions if he wanted different outcomes.
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