CONFLICT RESOLUTION & RELATIONSHIP MANAGEMENT...

… Appropriate Resolutions™ for home, work, community, and everywhere in between.

© 1998-2008 Joseph Ravick  and Appropriate Resolutions™

^*   Effectively here means contributing to an ongoing and functioning relationship.

 

    When it comes to relationships and conflict, many people make judgements which become ‘the monsters’ which they preferred to avoid; at least unconsciously. “He is trying to get my job.” “All she wants to do is look better than me so she’ll impress the boss.” “I know it; he’s trying to get rid of me.” “What a slacker; all she’s trying to do is get out of doing the work.” “Get a job you bum.”

 

     These are all judgements and most if not all are based on assumptions. Assumptions in such situations are about the other's intent to do something which concerns us; concern being sometimes a euphemism for feeling threatened. Yet fear of possible future actions is merely that. A fear of future harm, at least until evidence indicates that the other's intent is about to become real. A famous German warrior and philosopher once said that one's plans should be based on a competitor's, or opponents, capabilities, not merely possibilities. So if you feel a judgment coming on, remember that any person who acts in threatening ways, either as the instigator or victim, teeters on the brink of an escalating dispute. Believe it; people will react to threats in ways which may not be in anybody's best interests, even for the short term.

 

    Next time you hear a judgement ‘in your head’, or coming out of mouth, STOP, even if it feels 'painful'. If you ultimately want to resolve a conflict without increasing the tension, stress, or even the hatred, stop the blaming and disarm the dispute.

 

o Remain curious.

o Ask, ask, and ask some more until you have confirmation about your assumptions, or clarity about what you heard, or mis-heard, or mis-judged while confirm that what they hear and interpreted is what YOU meant to communicate.

o Deal with what is, not what might be.

o De-personalize the issues.

 

  And

o Collaborate on finding what you have in common aside from the differences. Shift what is between you (physically on paper if need be) to something you face together. Find the acceptable and realistic solutions to your shared problems.