VALUES

Did the clerk at the grocery store truthfully make an error when he gave you change for a ten after you gave him a twenty? Did the leaders at Enron lie, cheat and /or steal? Did President Bush or Prime Minister Blair really believe that weapons of mass destruction existed and threatened their respective countries? Did 'whoever' really change their story or did I mis-understand their words or intent? Whether these examples represent dis-honestly or mistakes, or mis-understanding may never be known. Whether another’s value system is consistent with yours and mine, will decide how we relate to each other. Whether you believe a person is involved in ‘doing wrong’ depends on values and is a matter of perceptions; yours and theirs. Differing standards and principles will make managing conflict more difficult and often puts relationships at risk.

Regardless of how people behave, how they view the world, how they react and respond to what goes on in their 'worlds,' they are always motivated by fundamental values. To the colleague who said to me on one case, "Jennifer has no values or scruples…," I answered that "having no apparent values or scruples tells me that that an underlying and unknown value system is in play. It is there whether or not I agree with it.

Values can motivate a war, or they can enable peaceful co-existence between nations as they do between people. Any person’s relationships will ultimately depend on their values, conscious or unconsciously demonstrated through their actions. Values will determine how well she and he will 'work and play' with others.

When it comes to conflict and relationship, most people seem to not be aware of the values which, in the moment of crisis, are affecting their behaviour…and their relationships. Ultimately, when it comes to engaging someone in a functional conflict management process, our ‘relational values’ will decide how hard we try to maintain, build, and/or re-build the relationship. 'Really caring or not' becomes then the relevant question.

“IT WILL BE A WASTE OF TIME”

“Trying to get her to change her behaviour will be a waste of time.” Beth, a conflict resolution student of mine several years earlier, was describing a challenging situation she was experiencing as leader of a regional team in a large national public sector organization. Beth had described her “colleague and subordinate” as "difficult to get along with, manipulative and fundamentally dishonest." "After all," she told me, "everybody on the team had a similar experience with the team-member in question."

...more about values...

Text Box: VALUES are what really matter… …in conflict or life, Some facts of life with a self-reflecting exercise if you're up for the truth.