More about Managing Anger

Occasionally we all get angry or defensive. The problem is, destructive anger keeps us from performing effectively and breaks down relationships. It would be great if we could just say to ourselves, "STOP THAT!" and not get angry anymore. However, I've found that usually doesn't work. On the next page are a dozen tips that can help you deal with anger and defensiveness.

Here are a dozen tips that can help you deal with anger and defensiveness.

Tip 1. When others get upset, calm down. Keep your voice low and slow.

Tip 2. Don't respond impulsively. Avoid the urge to swear or yell.

Tip 3. Focus on your physical state. Are you breathing? Sweating? Pulse racing? Tightening in your solar plexus? Skin flushed? Shaky? By the time you've taken the time to check your body, you'll be calmer.

Tip 4. Become totally alert. Devote attention to your physical state. Consciously relax your muscles.

Tip 5. Mentally talk yourself to a calm state. Use your name, "Calm down Ben, this is small stuff, don't sweat the small stuff. Focus and listen. Be in control of yourself, Ben."

Tip 6. Be silent. If the other person is extremely angry, do not maintain constant eye contact, instead make brief glances. If they are moderately angry, maintain eye contact. Lift your eyebrows (open facial expression). Don't frown.

Tip 7. Respect that you and the other person have different needs and realities.

Tip 8. Breath. In/out. In/out. Twenty of these will calm you right away.

Tip 9. When it's your anger, observe and apply the tips listed above then verbally express your emotional state to the other party. Best if done privately.

Tip 10. When dealing with another person's anger, get it straight. Remember that anger is a secondary emotion. What's causing the anger? What is the problem? Are they venting?

Tip 11. When you are angry, own it. Don't blame. Healthy expression of anger means that we stop blaming others for "making" us feel bad.

Tip 12. Because feelings also involve “thinking,” switch your thoughts. Substitute "cancel" or "wait" for your angry thoughts.

So, the next time anger threatens to become destructive, "STOP!" and wait until you can respond more constructively.

Text Box: Anger is a great force. If you control it, it can be transmuted into a power which can move the whole world. - WILLIAM SHENSTONE